I'm an Artist
My entire adult life I've been hiding, downplaying, and minimizing what I know to be true, and I've been afraid to admit: I'm an artist.
I dance all forms from tap to afro-Brazilian. I oil paint and sketch my travels. I play acoustic guitar. I sing Mexican ballads with a Mariachi backing me up. I do improv comedy.
I love being center stage.
This slipped away from me without me noticing the way you arrive at your destination, not remembering the drive over. I went from being a bold, fearless 8-year old to a hiding adult that would only sing when my roommates were gone, terrified that anyone would hear me.
I grew up in a family of artists. Family parties were filled with live music playing and my Tias harmonizing. No Thanksgiving day was complete without an original theater piece written, rehearsed, and performed with my cousins.
I went to a performing arts school when I was 8. It was totally normal to say to your teacher, "What's the homework? I have to bounce at lunch for an audition". I played the trumpet, had an agent, and was in a song and dance troop that recorded albums and performed all over.
But then something happened.
When I was 10, we moved. I was the new girl in fifth grade and wanted to fit in. I quickly learned that being in band was social suicide and ditched the trumpet.
I started to hide.
I kept my artistic side separate and on the side. I got serious about my dance training and competitions. I couldn't just hang with friends after-school or go on summer trips since I always had dance practice.
When I went to college, I had enough talent to know that I wasn't talented enough to audition. I had a story that you could only perform if you were a professional. I channeled my artistic side into studying architecture, choreographing sorority dances, and harmonizing during the guitar after-hours of a party.
By the time I finished grad school and moved into working in community development, there was no art or creativity in my life. I was a workaholic. My guitar collected dust in the corner. I went to a dance class once a quarter. My creative soul was starved.
Then a jolting shake hit. I took on the role of coordinating all the arts integration for a conference. I was so inspired by talking with performance artists and organizing workshops on using arts in community development. It was the most excited I had been about work in a long time. I saw how my primary job role doing project management was completely misaligned with my creative soul.
I knew I needed to do some soul searching. During some reflection exercises, what emerged as my focus for 2019 was "being seen." I saw how, over the years, I've slowly started to hide. Afraid to go against the grain. Afraid to be judged. Afraid to be seen. I made a commitment that I was going to go back to my 8-year old self who didn't care what anyone thought and dared to try synchronized swimming even though she could barely swim.
Instead of art being something to squeeze in when I have time, I've now reorganized my life around it. I go to dance class from 7:30-9 am almost daily. I paint, sing, and play guitar in the evenings. I wrote and performed in a Mexican comedy play. I'm actively practicing being seen.
The thing is that I don't actually think I'm that talented. I had a story that I couldn't perform because I'm not good enough and that if I’m not performing then I’m not really an artist. Now I see that I need art in my life to fuel my creative energy in all my work. Painting helps me let go of my perfectionism and instead just trust my intuition about where something needs to go. Dancing helps me get out of my overly analytical head and tune into my body.
I'm now admitting that I'm an artist. I'm a dancer. I'm a singer. I'm a guitar player.
In 2020, I set a new goal of learning pointe ballet and doing more theatre work in Spanish. I want to perform more, and I'm working up the courage to start auditioning. Taking classes is easy, but I don't know where to start with getting into auditioning and performing. I'm making a public declaration here to commit myself to figuring it out.
I actually feel uncomfortable sharing this, but I hope I encourage others to open up to their artistic side. I believe we are all artists. We all have creative energy. We just need permission to share it.
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